[Mike0001]

A raincoated victorian gentleman went into a seedy bookshop and bought a large volume entitled "How to Hug". He got it home and realized it was volume 6 of Encyclodaedia Britannica.

[thingie2]

I know a few others I saw on the tele (these ones from the Graham Norton Show) but i think they would be in appropriate for these forums, as they are aimed at all ages.

[Mike0001]

A professor was asked by a student to be a referee. The student was lazy and the professor was very reluctant to tell a lie. In the end he wrote:

You will be extremely lucky if you can get this student to work for you.

[KanoakaVirus]

What smells like burnt toast and sits at the top of your stairs?

> stephen hawking after a house fire <

[thingie2]

Here are some more great blond jokes:

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

>A retarded ape.<

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?

>You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!<

How do you know a blond has been using your computer?

>When the joy stick is wet!<

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde
thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to
her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I
can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she
dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The
blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after
reading her name tag?

>What did you name the other one!! <

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did
the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving
around, my zip code keeps changing."

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

>To open windows<

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

>To see what was on the other side.<


Ok, now for some computer related ones:

USENET Parody



No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change
a lightbulb?

A1. Define "change"

A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?

A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to
large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.

A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it
elsewhere.

A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.

A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.

A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.

A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?

A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk
about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?

A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?

A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.

A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to
post or not post.

A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,
Libertarian Party Candidate for President?

A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.

A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????

A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!

A17. What "stuff" pray tell?

A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!

A19. Define "dark".

A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.

A21. So change it.

A22. Define "change"...

I don't know how true this is but I found this:

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his followers be castrated?

>He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work
with UNIX.<

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting
a baby in June.

>I'm betting the baby will be late.<

                               Etch-A-Sketch           Mac Classic

No. of Colours                        2                     2
Resolution                        ~2000*~2000           512 * 342
No. of buttons                        2                     1
Preemptive Multitasking              Yes                    No
Hardware line draw                   Yes                    No
Price                                < $20                ~ $1000
Power Consumption                     No                   Yes
Laptop                               Yes                    No
Slow Operating System                 No                   Yes
Non Volatile Memory                  Yes                    No
Choice of Coloured box               Yes                    No
Robust design (shakeable)            Yes                    No

That will do for now, naybe i'll find more tomorrow.

[evilfantasy]

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[KanoakaVirus]

Originally Posted by evilfantasy

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

[cheesepuff]

Originally Posted by CrazyComputerMan

Dont this remind you of banned member in here :D.... You know

.....wah?

[KanoakaVirus]

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
> You trade her for a new one <