Jokes Jokes And More Jokes!

**CrazyComputerMan** · #16 18th May 2008, 07:01 PM

Originally Posted by cheesepuff

LMAO!!! i literally fell out of my chair. (damn wobbly poor excuse for something to sit on!!!)

Dont this remind you of banned member in here :D.... You know

**thingie2** · #17 19th May 2008, 01:35 AM

I read this and it's funny:

A man had been lost and wandering in the Chinese wilderness for 3 months. All he had to eat was what he could forage and was forced to sleep wherever he could find meager shelter.

One day he came upon an old farm house. In answer to his knock, an old Chinese gentleman asked "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I have been lost in the wilderness for 3 months and have not had a decent meal or nights sleep in just as long. May I stay the night?"

The old man agreed under the condition that there be no messing with his granddaughter. "I will cause you no trouble," the man said.

"That's very good," said the old man, "because if I catch you with my granddaughter, you will suffer the three most severe Chinese tortures."

The granddaughter attended the evening meal and the man was awestruck by her beauty. Since he had been alone for so long and she had not been with a man in her life, they could hardly keep their eyes off of each other during the meal.

Later that night the man crept into her room and they had a terrific time together. They were careful to be quiet lest they awaken the grandfather. Afterwards, the man returned to his room (on the third floor), and thought:

"That marvelous experience was worth enduring a thousand tortures." He then fell promptly asleep and had the best sleep in three months.

Upon awakening, he felt an incredible weight on his chest. He then realized that there was a 100 pound rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that read: "1st Chinese Torture - 100 Pound Rock On Chest."

This is some lame torture thought the man as he carried it over to the window and threw it out. Then he noticed another sign on the bottom of the rock: "2nd Chinese torture - Right Testicle Tied To Rock." Knowing that it was too late to catch the rock, the man hurled himself out of the window after it. Passing through the window the man saw a third sign on the window ledge: "3rd Chinese Torture - Left Testicle Tied To Bedpost."

**thingie2** · #18 19th May 2008, 01:51 AM

Oh, and another story joke I found funny, it's from QI:

Recently 2 men and a woman made the shortlist for CIA assasin.
The first man was taken to a door, and told "your wife is in there sitting on a chair" and was given a gun and told to go in and kill her.
But the man said he couldn't do that so they said "well you can't be an assasin for the CIA then"
The second man was taken through the same procces, but he took the gun and went into the room. A few minutes lated he came out crying and said he couldn't kill her.
Then it was the woman's turn, she was also taken to the room, and was told her husband was in there sitting on a chair and was told she had to go in and kill him.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Only a few moment passed once the door was shut before six rounds were fired at rapid succesion, then there was banging and screaming.
Then the woman came out of the room and said "you idiots, you could have told me the gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair leg"

Made me laugh

**Mike0001** · #19 19th May 2008, 09:00 AM

You should have made her blond!

**Mike0001** · #20 19th May 2008, 09:02 AM

Lecturer: Can you hear me at the back?
Student: Yes, but I don't mind swapping places with someone who can't.

**Mike0001** · #21 19th May 2008, 09:06 AM

A raincoated victorian gentleman went into a seedy bookshop and bought a large volume entitled "How to Hug". He got it home and realized it was volume 6 of Encyclodaedia Britannica.

**thingie2** · #22 19th May 2008, 09:07 AM

I know a few others I saw on the tele (these ones from the Graham Norton Show) but i think they would be in appropriate for these forums, as they are aimed at all ages.

**Mike0001** · #23 19th May 2008, 09:16 AM

A professor was asked by a student to be a referee. The student was lazy and the professor was very reluctant to tell a lie. In the end he wrote:

You will be extremely lucky if you can get this student to work for you.

**kanoakavirus** · #24 19th May 2008, 01:35 PM

What smells like burnt toast and sits at the top of your stairs?

> stephen hawking after a house fire <

**thingie2** · #25 19th May 2008, 03:08 PM

Here are some more great blond jokes:

What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

>A retarded ape.<

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?

>You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!<

How do you know a blond has been using your computer?

>When the joy stick is wet!<

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a
dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong!
Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde
thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to
her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I
can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she
dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?" The
blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after
reading her name tag?

>What did you name the other one!! <

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
"I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did
the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving
around, my zip code keeps changing."

Why does a blonde have curtains on her PC?

>To open windows<

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

>To see what was on the other side.<

Ok, now for some computer related ones:

USENET Parody

No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change
a lightbulb?

A1. Define "change"

A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out?

A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to
large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls.

A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it
elsewhere.

A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs.

A6. Well, that's because you're a twit.

A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong.

A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit?

A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk
about lightbulb fans instead of flaming?

A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop?

A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something.

A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to
post or not post.

A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou,
Libertarian Party Candidate for President?

A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits.

A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb????

A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff!

A17. What "stuff" pray tell?

A18. Yikes! It's dark in here!

A19. Define "dark".

A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out.

A21. So change it.

A22. Define "change"...

I don't know how true this is but I found this:

IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement
This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us may find it rather funny.
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

Why did Marshall Applewhite insist that his followers be castrated?

>He heard that to be really successful on the Internet you have to work
with UNIX.<

I heard on the news last night that Bill Gates and his wife are expecting
a baby in June.

>I'm betting the baby will be late.<

Code:

                               Etch-A-Sketch           Mac Classic

No. of Colours                        2                     2
Resolution                        ~2000*~2000           512 * 342
No. of buttons                        2                     1
Preemptive Multitasking              Yes                    No
Hardware line draw                   Yes                    No
Price                                < $20                ~ $1000
Power Consumption                     No                   Yes
Laptop                               Yes                    No
Slow Operating System                 No                   Yes
Non Volatile Memory                  Yes                    No
Choice of Coloured box               Yes                    No
Robust design (shakeable)            Yes                    No

That will do for now, naybe i'll find more tomorrow.

**evilfantasy** · #26 19th May 2008, 03:14 PM

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

**kanoakavirus** · #27 19th May 2008, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by evilfantasy

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

**cheesepuff** · #28 19th May 2008, 06:39 PM

Originally Posted by CrazyComputerMan

Dont this remind you of banned member in here :D.... You know

.....wah?

**kanoakavirus** · #29 20th May 2008, 05:52 PM

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
> You trade her for a new one <