[alex]

[FONT=Tms Rmn][SIZE=2]OPENING CEREMONY[/SIZE][/FONT]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area,[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]stadium.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]THE EVENTS[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]100 METRES SPRINT[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]110 METRES HURDLES[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]fences, walls etc)[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]HAMMER[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn](claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]physical damage within three timed attempts.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]FENCING[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]minutes.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]SHOOTING[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style Cash-in-transit[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]BOXING[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]bout will then commence.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]CYCLING TIME TRIALS[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]from home. All against the clock.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]CYCLING PURSUIT[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]MODERN PENTATHLON[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]arson and generally hanging around.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]SWIMMING EVENTS[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve".[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]THE MARATHON[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]A safe route has yet to be decided.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]MEN'S 50KM WALK[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London,[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]especially anyone that appears to be mincing.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]THE CLOSING CEREMONY[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So Solid[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]Crew.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][FONT=Tms Rmn]into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[Wolfeymole]

Wicked mate :D :D :D

I have also discovered that Microsoft shelved plans to release Windows 2000 to our friends in the north east.

See more on this topic entitled;
Windows 2000 for Geordies

Warning, people of a delicate disposition should not click the link.